It’s fall 2020. As our country awaits the results of the election, we see that the democratic party has shoved in another candidate we couldn’t be less excited about. Joe Biden has a slight lead over Trump thus far in the counting, but it should have been a landslide. How COULD this happen?
In this gap I'd like to return to a long-forgotten movement, the #metoo wave of yesteryear. Given that both presidential candidates have sexual assault allegations against them it seems we are fully done with the old #metoo. I would like to propose a way that we can repurpose this hashtag and this movement into something that seems more important: eating ass.
Ass eaters have exercised their sphincterly passions in the shadows for too long. For too long have they been shamed for this simple pleasure we can all enjoy.
When we colon connoisseurs fly this flag of solidarity, #MeToo, we can offer a bungy bastion to let others know we exist and we won’t be silenced anymore. We can tell our fellow rectal rebels that I, too, enjoy partaking in those soft netherly creases.
Salad-tossing has layers and complexities far beyond the understanding of the uninitiated. No longer a sport reserved for gay men, it affords people all along the spectrum a sense of the surreal sensual intricacies never thought possible here in this most denigrated part of the human body.
In this vast and freshly opened field we can find many styles of ass eating. Some like it dirty, preferring a musty, pheromonal hole; some a bleached & bald, showered & douched anus. Whatever your niche, there’s room for you in this movement. As Cornel West would say, “Get on the Love Train!”
Maybe the new #metoo will be more effective than the previous version in a way that helps us to overcome larger issues of body alienation & shame. This lowly and shameful body part can be lifted to heights beyond imagination, paving the way for a world in which current values are turned inside out--a world for the meek and the low. Through this oracular orifice we may see a future of hope and change.
At least that’s what I’d like to think. Hopefully this new movement will fare better than the previous and prove more fruitful in the end.
Besides, ass eating seems like something we should learn to love. We can probably all look forward to another 4+ years of ass eating, regardless of which neoliberal assailant takes office. So we may as well get off.
#anewmetoo
Phillip Griffin is a writer, musician, and dirtbag based out of Bozeman, MT. He operates most of the podcast stuff for Waste Radio, and a band/investment firm Bull Market. He likes pizza.
