The League of Ordinary Derelicts
2024 Playoffs
Round 1
Hunt for the Championship
Hello, Tributes! The time has come to begin our annual fight to the death for ULTIMATE GLORY. What a year of surprises it has been (the biggest being your beloved Commish not in the postseason). This playoff field is ripe with contenders this year, and there’s nothing more exciting than the thrill of fantasy football chaos. The eight team playoff is not for the weak of heart. Who will take home the hardware this year??? Will we see our first three-peat champion??? Will we have a first-time champion??? SO many questions to be answered. I can feel the chills running through my fingers as they elegantly stroke these words into my illuminated keyboard. But, first I think it’s time to refresh you veterans and initiate the rookies at some of our unique rules to what is at stake in this playoff season:
Bracket:
We use NFL rules for playoff seedings and matchups around here (what a concept, eh?). The highest seed remaining will always play the lowest seed remaining in the semifinal round and then the other two teams will be matched up. This is despite the way the bracket physically looks on the ESPN app. I will manually update this in the next round once matchups are final.
The lowest seed to lose in the first round will drop to the bottom of the loser’s bracket to play the loser of the first consolation game. The winner of the first consolation game will be matched up with the highest seed to lose in the first round. This will be same for the next round of the consolation bracket except that the two semifinals losers will be automatically matched up in 3rd-4th place game. This gives our seedings a bit more weight, and a chance for at least one of the two teams that did not make the playoffs to have a shot to crawl up from the cellar.
Champion:
This year I have heard the cries of the masses that a virtual trophy will no longer suffice. So, our champion will get the pleasure of a shiny new trophy that I will send to them to enjoy for the following year. The trophy will have engraved plaques commemorating all of our past champions, which we will update every year going forward. Pictures of said trophy will be sent soon!
Our newly crowned champion will also get the privilege of choosing at least one new rule change (Commissioner approved) for the upcoming season. This year we altered the scoring for QBs slightly and added one defensive player per champion Scott’s request.
The champion will also have the power to choose, if he or she chooses, to either choose the draft order or help decide the method in which we choose the draft order for the upcoming season. Last year we did a playoff challenge with the NFL playoffs, each of us choosing teams and the winner deciding the draft order.
Finally, the champion will help the Commish decide what the last place punishment the following season will be for our last place team.
Loser:
Speaking of last place punishment… This will be “awarded” to the loser of the 9th-10th place game in Week 18. This is where seeding matters and losing in the first round puts you at risk the lower the seed you are based on how our bracket works as described above. Also, as mentioned before, this gives our two teams who missed the playoffs a chance for a bit of redemption.
The punishment will be a handicap toward the team to start the beginning of the next season. I’ve made losers draft D/STs or suspended players in early rounds as an example. I also will be sending out a small but special last place prize as well starting this year. Yay!
Ok, guys, that was A LOT, but now you’re all smarter and better fantasy managers and people. Also, it’s good to flex those reading muscles ya bunch of lazy assholes. Let’s get to the matchup previews!
Matchup of the Week
#4
Jeremy (8-7, 2nd Mountain)
V
#5
Scott (8-7, 3rd Mountain)
Our two-time defending champion Scott is beginning his quest for what the Commish could not do. The elusive three-peat. The Champ has had an up and down year, and seemed lost in the middle of the season after starting out of the gates on a tear. But, now is the time for him to clear his mind as he embarks on a journey few others have ever dreamt of with a roster few others want. But, seriously this roster is a little rough around the edges. I don’t know if it’s as championship caliber as the last two years for him. No pressure, bud.
Jeremy, the Wiener Dog Master, has had a most impressive rookie season. Now, this is a roster to be envied. Studs up and down the board. It’s no wonder he finished top three in scoring this year. The potential is there for this to be the first time ever a rookie owner has won this league (except for the first year, obviously). I think this may be my dark horse candidate to win the whole damn thing. He might be the only one who can truly match wits with the dreaded Shitheel. This wiener ain’t no jokin’ matter.
Commish’s prediction: I pick Jeremy purely because I vehemently do not want to Scott to eclipse me in championships. He’s had his fun…
Upset Alert???
#1
Chris (13-2, 1st Mountain)
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#8
Laura (7-8, 4th Pacific)
This isn’t an upset alert based on the underdog’s roster. This is an upset alert because of the recent curse of the #1 seed. At least twice in the last three of four years our top seed has fallen in the first round. The Shitheel has had one of the best regular seasons of all time, tying a league record with 13 wins and setting a league record for PPG with over 200. *Insert Commish’s face with mind blown expression* This powerhouse roster is solidly built and reminiscent of the fortitude one might find from the steel factories of a certain city and area from which a certain poop logo is from. This might be the best chance Chris has at a championship since he lost to Commish in the title game a few years ago. But, beware the curse…
Laura really dug deep into her bag of spells to pull off a playoff berth this year. She managed to secure the last spot in the field, and has a pair of QBs that may just be the recipe for a miracle. This team seemed dead early in year starting 0-3. But, a little more focus and attention to her roster in the second half of the season really paid off. I mean, how hard is taking care of a toddler anyway??? You can’t just take a few minutes yourself to set a little lineup or two??? Either way she figured it out and it’s definitely not because she let said toddler start setting her roster. Laura has been the #8 seed recently and even pulled off an upset, so she might actually have us right where she wants… *Insert Commish’s face with terrified expression*
The Commish’s prediction: The Shit Storm is too much to handle for the Witch. Merry Shitmas.
A Clash of Forest Magic
#3
Josh (8-7, 2nd Pacific)
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#6
Jake (7-8, 4th Mountain)
Despite the Commish’s best prayers to the fantasy football gods, Joshy GM saved himself from missing the playoff party. It also makes it SO much worse that said Commish also was not invited to said playoff party. UGH. Anyway, I will give props to our resident football guru for a hell of a second half of the season winning five of his last six games including the last four in a row. Josh’s squad is led by a trio of stud WRs that absolutely light up the scoreboard, which makes this team super dangerous down the stretch. He is second in scoring behind only Chris. As much as I lament that this mini shitheel might have a legit shot at being an unbearable champion, I respect his game. Game recognize game as they say.
WIZARD. Rookie of the year??? No, Jeremy had a better year, sorry buddy. But, an impressive rookie season nonetheless! Maybe a little less. One of our three resident Billings Boys, Jake took this league and the group chat by storm. Jake’s team is not the, uh, prettiest thing on the market. But, he willed those SOBs to their full potential winning six of seven games at the mid point of the season. Unfortunately, he did lose the last four games to end the year, which has left his confidence in his suspect team a bit shaken. If Jake can evaporate the doubt, maybe, just maybe he can find that magic once again in the most pivotal moment.
The Commish’s prediction: Josh gives the Wizard his “welcome to the league” moment and continues on his quest to prove the Commish wrong.
A Budding Rivalry in the Pacific
#2
Austin (9-6, 1st Pacific)
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#7
Nam (7-8, 3rd Pacific)
‘Tis the season of the Krampus. His power is strong. Austin is currently on a little revenge tour after losing in the title game last year and the Commish calling his team out pretty harshly just a few short weeks ago. This team doesn’t score a lot of points. In fact, it’s second lowest scoring team in the league. But, that’s the beauty of the Krampus chaos. He doesn’t need to score a lot because he puts the fear of Krampus into the other team causing them to submit to his will and score way less than usual. That’s honestly the best answer I have. How else can he win the division by a full game and score so little points??? I’m just staring at his logo as I type this right now and it’s making me uneasy…
Nam, Nam, Nam. What can we say about you? You fucked up, bud. You had a sizable lead in the division at one point this year and just pissed it down your leg like a go big red dog would. A four game losing streak to end the season is not a good look. But, this team isn’t terrible. He sports quite a few high scoring players that made him such a threat in early on. Nam finished runner-up in the championship game a couple years ago and hasn’t quite been the same since. He quit the group chat in protest even though we all know he misses us tremendously. This is his time to prove to us all that the pressure isn’t too much for him when it counts most.
The Commish’s prediction: The pressure is too much for Nam and Krampus’ revenge tour sails on.
LOSERS
#9
Kyle (4-11, 5th Mountain)
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#10
Commish (4-11, 5th Pacific)
The final two founding members reduced to the bottom of the trash pile. I’m not used to this, and I don’t like it! This is the first time in the twelve year history of this league I haven’t been in the playoffs. Kyle has been on both spectrums of the standings in recent years and I’m sure he’s feeling comfortable in this position. There’s honestly no need wasting time on analysis of our shitty teams. They’re fucking bad. The two of us combined for as many wins or less than most of your teams singularly. WE ARE ASS.
The Commish’s prediction: Who cares? Kyle probably because I’m cursed this year like Da Bears.