Scott (3-0, 1st Mountain)

It seems all too good to be true for Ol’ Scotty boy. Our back-to-back reigning champ again finds himself atop the shit pile. An undefeated start to the season has only boosted his powers. Like a certain NFL team that is also 2x defending champs, Scott is currently in search of cementing his dynasty. No matter what we throw at him, he just Shakes It Off. It’s now become his calling card to draft solid teams that outperform what they project on paper, but will his lack of QB depth become the Anti-Hero to his Wildest Dreams of a threepeat?

Austin (2-1, 1st Pacific)

The Mad Scientist, Krampus Man, The Guy Who Ruined Art. Whatever you want to call him is fine, but this man is chaos in its purest form. His drafting and roster management often leaves me scratching my head, but the fact that they often work leaves me tearing my hair out. This is why I have him near the top of the rankings. His wild card nature makes him a very dangerous team and he’s been runner up twice in the last few years. We all know how badly Krampus wants to reign supreme. 

Chris (2-1, 2nd Mountain)

Mr. Shitheel has crawled his way right near the top of this steaming pile of shit I’m calling rankings. This team is so not sexy it makes my eyes hurt looking at his roster as I write this. Maybe they’ll be some late bloomers this year and surprise me with an end of season glow up. Maybe it’s the poop logo that makes everyone on this roster have a stench. Either way, Chris is a smart and resourceful player and that’s why I’ve placed him in the top 3 of the rankings despite not wanting to boost his ego even a little. 

Nam (2-1, 2nd Pacific)

Nam is off to much better and less whiny start than last year (he’s still pretty whiny). That go big Red energy had him undefeated until he met the buzz saw that is the Commish this last week. Honestly his QB situation is pretty ugly too… He does have a very deep roster of RBs and WRs that have picked up the slack and helped him be top 4 in scoring thus far. If Nam can finally stop thinking about never winning it all and let it go (and rejoin the group chat), maybe he actually has a shot. Or, maybe he should just make another blockbuster trade with the Commish.

Josh (1-2, 3rd Pacific)

Mr. Joshy GM is always a top contender in this league. I call him the GM for a reason, and it has nothing to do with cars (which I barely know about anyway). This roster isn’t necessarily sexy, but it is god damned efficient. And this shifty snakey SOB even stole the backup RB to someone else’s very hasty first round pick. I accept my failure, well played. And now he’s outscored us all by a good margin. But, be careful my dear Josh for if you cross the Commish again you may be starting some Bad Blood…

Jeremy (2-1, 3rd Mountain)

Rookie owner Jeremy had been absolutely devastated by injuries in the first two weeks. After a fast start week one, the wheels started blowing out on his hot rod and he was about to lose control. (I could have been much more grotesque with that analogy, but I’ll give the rook a break) I was seriously worried about this team for a minute as a contender, but those fears have subsided. He was able to take a win in a favorable matchup against a bad team last week, so maybe he’ll convince me otherwise. He’ll have to draw in all his big tough wiener dog energy to survive in these lands.

Kyle (1-2, 4th Mountain)

Our first champion and one of our last two founding members finds himself in the bottom half of the rankings to start the season. His team hasn’t been bad per se, but having Daniel Jones and his creepy eyes as one of his QBs automatically drops him spots. Sorry, bud, I don’t make the rules. Oh wait yes I do, and that’s a hard line. I think this squad is definitely rough around the edges with a couple potential superstars, but until Kyle figures out how to manage it correctly he’ll sit here. 

Jake (1-2, 5th Mountain)

And now, finally, we make it to the one and only Wizard. Too bad his magic wasn’t powerful enough to Leviosa his ass higher in the rankings. But it’s a learning curve when you start playing in the Big Leagues and there’s plenty of room for growth. This squad is definitely littered with some superstars, but too bad Tyreek is going to have some bum throwing to him for the rest of the season. This paired with Jake’s inexperience in this league convinced me to rank him low and give him something to work for. (I guess I’ll give a passing mention to his opening week victory over the Commish…)

The Commish (1-2, 4th Pacific)

Your humble, beloved, brilliant, and handsome Commish finally scored his first win of the season. And oh what a win it was, defeating that traitor to the group chat Nam. This team has definitely gone through some trauma in the early season with devastating injuries to two of its perfectly drafted players. Luckily the Commish has his wits and wisdom by his side. This low ranking only fuels the fire of winning his third championship and silencing the lambs, uh I mean, the doubters…

Laura (0-3, 5th Pacific)

Lastly, we arrive at our only winless team. This is by far the worst and most embarrassing start to the year Laura has had yet in this league. How can a team with Mahomes and Lamar not win a game yet??? Maybe she’s trying to flip the script and instead of being regular season champ and choking in the playoffs, she’ll barely survive the regular season and make a run in the playoffs. Until she can get a grip on her roster, I must rank her dead last and assume the worst for the Witch. No more of the “I have a kid” excuses, it’s been almost three years.