The League of Ordinary Derelicts

2025

Power Rankings

Week 9

I am truly and utterly sorry my minions for leaving you without my beautiful words for weeks on end now. I’ll be honest, It’s been one hell of a ride jumping on to that newborn train once again. Like, what time do I really have to do anything besides changing shit-soaked diapers? This kid is a nonstop fecal freight train! So, my point being, cut the Commish some slack already! (JAKE)

But, it is time now to step away from one shit pile to another: The Commish’s Super Legit Power Rankings. We’ve had quite the exciting year with all these juicy TEs. Some teams have been able to manage the chaos, whilst others have sank under the enormous weight and fallen behind. Again, this system is biased and uses a lot of different personal biases, in fact. But, I am your fearless leader, so this is the rule of the land!

#1

Jeremy (7-1, 1st Mountain)

PPG: 219.1

Top Player: Matthew Stafford QB LAR 29.7 PPG

We have a change on the leaderboard! How can I deny the top spot to a team on a 7 game winning streak??? A sophomore season for the ages! Wiener Dog Man is bigger and badder than ever with a team that lights up the scoreboard and also wins by a lot every week. A new front runner has emerged for the top seed in the playoffs. Also, sorry about the Mariners, bud! There’s always next year! *Wink

#2

Josh (6-2, 1st Pacific)

PPG: 226.6

Top Player: Dak Prescott QB Dal 29.8 PPG

I think we all know what I’m about to say. Josh got his ass handed to him by none other than THE COMMISH last week and it felt so good. Our league’s top scorer was brought back down from the fantasy football clouds and reminded of his fantasy football mortality. But, also, I guess this team is pretty damn good. Josh has navigated the murky TE waters beautifully, and would still be top ranked if not for one little hiccup. *Wink

#3

Kyle (4-4, 3rd Mountain)

PPG: 206.6

Top Player: Christian McCaffery RB SF 27.3 PPG

A bit of a surprise here in the top three. Even for me as I’m looking at this now again. Our last place finisher from last season was given the fate of a completely auto drafted team this year. So far, this might be Kyle’s best accidental strategy in a decade. The skill positions on this roster have given him a competitive boost that I think warrants some high potential for a playoff run. Maybe some of you others should think about auto drafting in the future too.

#4

Austin (5-3, 2nd Pacific)

PPG: 200.8

Top Player: Jalen Hurts QB Phi 28.9 PPG

Krampus always seems to be lurking near the top of the standings and rankings. How??? Go look at his roster right now. What a fucking mess! He’s even sporting three open bench spots! Who does that??? But, somehow he makes it work and puts up wins. I’m honestly baffled, maybe a little creeped out. Maybe that’s because I’ve been staring at his logo too long…

#5

Jake (4-4, 4th Mountain)

PPG: 206.6

Top Player: Patrick Mahomes QB KC 34.0 PPG

The ‘Billings Buccaneers’ is what I’m calling this team. Talk about being a homer, right??? This risky strategy of unapologetically having your starting lineup filled with your favorite team’s players has had a spark of magic for the Wizard so far. But, the high risk-reward ratio of this type of gameplan has me weary about its longevity. Luckily he also has the best fantasy QB in the game right now too to help level that out a bit.

#6

Commish (4-4, 3rd Pacific)

PPG: 195.0

Top Player: Lamar Jackson QB Bal 31.2 PPG

The good Ol’ Commish might be back on his game once more. After a rocky start to the year, he’s won three out of his four last games. And, this team seems to have something it’s been missing for a while now: Hope. After knocking out our league’s previous number one team last week, there’s no telling how high the Commish can fly. And this is despite having a player score negative points each of the last three weeks. That’s a scary stat for all of you. BEWARE

#7

Chris (4-4, 2nd Mountain)

PPG: 209.0

Top Player: Jonathan Taylor RB Ind 32.1 PPG

This might be the Shitheel’s sloppiest start to a regular season yet. This team is really fucking ugly looking. But, he’s somehow found a way to scrape enough points from the shit pile to get four wins. His TEs have been a huge boom or bust every week, and he’s living and dying by it. Is that sustainable? Probably not. At least I hope not. Maybe he’ll think a little harder next time before making a million ill-fated trades all at once to start the season.

#8

Nam (3-5, 4th Pacific)

PPG: 183.5

Top Player: Jayden Daniels QB Was 25.4 PPG

Talk about shitty rosters. Oof. Our runner up from last year is really having a championship game loss hangover so far. How does this team have even three wins??? A desperate waiver pickup of Justin Fields last week was one lucky fucking move. Saquon might be the only saving grace to keep this team competitive down the stretch. I’m very low on this squad right now, so prove me wrong Nam. I dare you.

#9

Scott (2-6, 5th Mountain)

PPG: 179.1

Top Player: Trey McBride TE Ari 32.3 PPG

Look how far the three time champ has fallen! A beautiful fall from grace. And, Scott is currently the lowest scoring team in the league. I mean a TE is his highest scoring player. I know we juiced them up this year, but that’s still really bad. Has the Mormon magic finally run out??? I’m not completely sold on that yet, but this is happiest I’ve felt about it in a while. The reign may finally be coming to an end.

#10

Laura (1-7, 5th Pacific)

PPG: 203.5

Top Player: Josh Allen QB Buf 30.1 PPG

What a series of unfortunate events for this team. Despite averaging more points per game than a few teams ahead of her, Laura cannot conjure a win to save her fantasy team’s life. Seven losses in a row is brutal. I mean sure she’s had to deal with some stuff lately like giving birth to a baby, but honestly she’s been managing her team with focus still. It’s the curse of catching every team on their best week when matched up. Can the Witch tame this curse in time???

Who will reign supreme this week and boost their ranking??? Who will fall??? Only the football gods know. May the odds be ever in your favor…