The League of Ordinary Derelicts

2025

Power Rankings

Week 5

The year of the juicy Tight End has been quite the ride so far. Maybe just the kind of juice this league needed, eh? The kind of juice one might find in an upbeat new album just released from a non-specific recording artist who is finally feeling the love after years of heartbreak. That’s the kind of juice we can all to be inspired by. In terms of fantasy football, of course. Now that we have a few weeks under our belts, I thought it was appropriate for my first power rankings of the year. Scoring has been absolutely absurd thus far, and the Commish is all for it. And, also a little afraid of it… Because my team hasn’t gotten the memo apparently? But, alas, I digress. Remember, this power ranking system is completely biased. I use a complex system of record, points scored, and good ol’ Commish intuition. *Wink*

#1

Josh (3-1, 1st Pacific)

Joshy GM has been on a historic tear to start the year. He’s scored so many points that maybe he can spare a few to some of us at the bottom of the standings?… (Please?…) This roster was obviously meticulously crafted to the fullest extent of the new rules. But, Dallas losing Ceedee Lamb and Dak being forced to throw to his TE basically all game helps Josh’s cause a bit too, I suppose. Either way, this squad is definitely the team to beat so far.

#2

Jeremy (3-1, 1st Mountain)

Wiener Dog Man has no time for a sophomore slump. This team is absolutely brimming with high scoring potential every week. Despite his mascot’s short stature, Jeremy has tall dreams. The kind of dreams that make him kick and bark in his sleep. Good boy! Now the question is, can this little guy keep up the pace? As long as Derrick Henry learns how to stop fumbling and his old QBs don’t crumble to dust, he might make a deep run into the playoffs.

#3

Jake (2-2, 2nd Mountain)

The Wizard really likes us to know when he scores a lot of points. So, I will acknowledge his mighty feat of being top scorer last week. Good job, bud. This team is basically Tampa Bay West with how many god damned Buccaneers players his homer ass has on the roster. I mean I guess it’s working for him? This doesn’t seem like a great long term strategy, but as long as Baker is BAKING then I have to give the Wizard his dues.

#4

Chris (2-2, 4th Mountain)

The Shitheel thought he should’ve been rated in the top three. But, after looking through his roster I’m now questioning if he should be even this high. Am I too high??? I guess he has scored a decent amount of points, and he’s used the JUICED TEs effectively. Good thing Chris has the power of persuasion on his side to really boost his ranking. That’s probably the best part of his team right now. And god damned if I didn’t fall for it.

#5

Kyle (2-2, 3rd Mountain)

Kyle has had a much better start than last year’s stinker of a season. He was basically grounded all year long. But, the first ever champion has aspirations to sore with the greats once again. Making him auto draft his team this year hasn’t worked as nefariously as I had thought, and if anything, his team might be better than it’s been in a long time. He probably would’ve passed on CMC like most of us, and now CMC is literally the only healthy player on the 49ers. What a fucking world.

#6

Austin (2-2, 2nd Pacific)

Ol’ Krampus is in the midst of chaos as always. He is rostering players that I literally have never heard of until I just looked at his team now. How does he know??? Like usual, this squad is dangerous because of the high risk/reward factor that he uses to construct a roster. Austin has the power to make non-names into superstars and it is a thing of pure sublimity. Awe-inspiring and terrifying all at once. Also, could we get more Krampus AI art? I miss it…

#7

Scott (2-2, 5th Mountain)

The Champ finds himself near the bottom of the standings and rankings. What a beautiful sight. I was hoping he’d just go winless this year after an 0-2 start, but my dreams were dashed as he has pulled two straight victories to even his record. We all know that my main goal is for this man to finally be dethroned, so I’m going to keep him low in the rankings to help myself believe it’s going to happen. Also, Skattebo might be his best starter right now, which should be concerning. Looks like your team is fucked, sorry bud.

#8

Nam (2-2, 3rd Pacific)

Poor Nam has had a tough couple of weeks. After starting the year 2-0, he has hit a two game slide including a loss to possibly the worst team in the league (we don’t need to name names). Last year’s championship loss is obviously weighing heavy on his mind. Based on projections, this team should be scoring a lot. But, actually, he’s the lowest scoring team by quite a bit. Saquon can’t do EVERYTHING Nam, give the guy some help already!

#9

Laura (1-3, 4th Pacific)

The Witch has had a lot on her plate, ok??? She’s literally been growing a human, and us men are far too weak to understand that. (Did I say that right, babe?) After a thrilling opening week victory over her boo, she has yet to find the winning formula to feed her team. And, this is despite Josh Allen scoring a record pace. But, Joe Burrow getting his foot blown up did really hurt this team’s vibe. This squad has a lot of work to do to be a playoff contender. As Laura goes into the week of giving birth to our second child, her mind is squarely on fantasy football roster management.

#10

Commish (1-3, 5th Pacific)

The Commish is upset. Since I started doing these power rankings last year, I’ve found myself in the bottom WAY too often. It’s not my fault AJ Brown decided to forget how to football after I drafted him! That was a really good pick, guys! My only victory has been against Nam because his team doesn’t know what points are. At least I have that, I guess. It was pretty fun to text him and talk shit. It’s been far too long since this alpha wolf has been leader of the pack, and it’s time to reclaim that. I also am having a baby next week, so if that doesn’t happen, cut me some slack all right???

Who will reign supreme this week and boost their ranking??? Who will fall??? Only the football gods know. May the odds be ever in your favor…